Satire

5 Signs You’re Dealing With A Fuckboy

Watch Out For These Fuckboy Red Flags

1. Fear of communication

Why are you asking me that? Why are you interrogating me? Do we have to keep talking about this? 

Fuckboys cannot deal with emotional labor. They want you to take care of all that. They fear the vulnerability that comes with honesty. So god forbid you ever ask them a question about anything, anyone, or any woman. They are just here for the fun parts of a relationship. Not communicating emotional needs nor concerns.

2. I Didn’t Mean It.

There’s a difference between mistakes and bad decisions. We all make both. Sure we don’t mean harm. Most humans don’t go around thinking, “how can I hurt someone that cares about me today.”

Fuckboys will go on and on about how hurting you wasn’t their intention. But intention doesn’t alleviate result. If there’s a fly on your face and I smack dogshit out of you, my intention was to kill the fly. That doesn’t stop your face from hurting after you just got slapped to kingdom come.

Doing the right thing means he will instinctively take accountability for what he’s done. And try to fix it. Not deflect blame off of himself by immediately cowering behind his original intentions. People have good intentions. Anyone that needs to reassure themselves that they aren’t bad people by constantly talking about what they meant to do rather than what they actually did is insecure in themselves and the value people place on them.

Whether it’s something as deal-breaking as cheating on you or as small as ruining your wash & set with his oily fingers, pay attention to his first steps to problem solving.

3. Flipping the Tables

But I didn’t say anything when you…

But I also went through…

Ever confront someone for hurting you? Your feelings? Only to notice 3 sentences into the conversation that you’re now talking about their feelings. Their turbulent past? Now they’re bringing up a bunch of shit you did that bothered them that they never mentioned before?

Your plane just got hijacked.

To a Fuckboy, everything is everyone’s fault by default. They don’t feel like their actions really cause any harm. Because they don’t feel alive. If something goes wrong, there’s no way possible that they–alone–could have had any power to influence that catastrophe whatsoever.

And if they ever did anything wrong, it’s because you did something first. You somehow made them do it. They will go through all the gymnastics to make some cause-and-effect timeline of how all their actions were a mere reaction — void of their own autonomy — to someone else.

4. There is always an excuse for his fuckery.

But I didn’t know we were serious. But I didn’t know you even liked me like that. But I didn’t know that would hurt you. But we not even together. But I was in a bad place. But she started. But. But.

But.

Fuckboys never know when something is serious. Because they have a lack of self worth. They cannot register the impact they have on people’s lives. All they see is their own impulsive, temporary motives that have no real depth besides pussy and a good time. Fuckboys just go with the flow. They exist for the mere moment. Fuckboys don’t think of consequences for their actions. They think of excuses.

5. He expects you to stick around, despite it all.

Wowwwwww. You really leaving me? I thought you was a ride or die. I need someone that can handle me. You’re making this a big deal.

Shrug off that gaslighting real quick. You don’t have to handle someone’s personal issues. You aren’t a bad person for leaving someone that continuously adds negativity to your life.

He knows he’s not ready for a relationship. He doesn’t want to be. A Fuckboy knows they aint shit. Most of us aint. The difference is, most people want to work on their flaws. Fuckboys want company in their toxic, self-loathing misery. As long as you’re willing to stay. As long as you have hope that he will one day change, he will feel comfortable enough to never change at all.

A Fuckboy isn’t a school project. A man will change when he wants to. Sure, a woman may be the catalyst– not the reason–for a man  to turn his life around. But. You might just mold him into the perfect man–for someone else. Don’t waste your time on the potentiality for being an obstacle. Invest your emotions into someone who is ready to love you the way you need to be loved.

The Truth

All men are guilty of one of these things. We all have our percentage of fuckery going on. Blaming others. Lack of empathizing with feeling’s outside of our own. Projecting our self-loathing. Wanting company in our toxicity.

Awareness is the first step to change. Second is Honesty– analyzing how willing we are to change and what are the best solutions. Even if that solution means letting go of someone you know you’re hurting.  And the last step is to ADAPT. Execution. This piece can only guide you through the first two phases. The rest is all you. You said you would change? Distance yourself. Do what you said you would. Don’t drag the people that love you through your tumultuous transitions.

If you are dealing with a Fuckboy, you are enabling them. Give them space to grow on their own. Even if that means cutting them off entirely.

That Time of Year Strangers Become Family

The Thanksgiving strangers are coming this holiday season.

Thanksgiving strangers. Those 3rd cousins that you always see down the block that don’t say sh*t to you. You gon’ let them rock and make they plate?

Thanksgiving in the hood is interesting. Having a broken hereditary family means you’ll probably enjoy the pre-thanksgiving friendsgiving. A potluck of drinking and sh*t- talking with friends about middle school days.

Definitely more enjoyable than an awkward sit down of a bunch of aunts you don’t remember meeting asking “how’s school” every 5 minutes… and hearing your woke uncle tell you about how we shouldn’t even be celebrating the genocide of indigenous people.

Watch Tim Hann’s full skit here.

(And btw. Mac. We aren’t celebrating genocide. It’s just a day off. Relax.)

What to Do When You Have a Gay Son

The same thing you would do if you had a straight son.

Having a gay son is always made a spectacle

As if preparing for your child’s potential queerness is on par with being diagnosed with some terminal illness.

It’s not a tragedy to have a gay son. Not an inconvenience. Not some hypothetical hard premise to make small talk about at a dinner table. People are gay. People are straight. And all sorts of in-betweens.

What would I do if I had a gay son? The same thing I would do if I had a straight son.

But that’s not an interesting enough answer for you is it? Watch the satirical comedy sketch on what to do.

And enjoy the reaction people give you when you use this answer to such a silly question.

 

Just Swipe It Forward Bruh (Comedy Film)

Swipe it Forward. Or it will haunt you.

In this case, literally. We don’t suggest anyone harass anyone to swipe it forward when you leave your metrocard at home the way this guy did… because for every asshole that ignores you, there’s one that will gladly use their unlimited metro to swipe you on.

Timothy “Hann” Rivera (@TimHannRivera) teams up with Almonte for another hilarious satire on the relationship between the homeless and the working class in Harlem. Almonte’s melancholic cinematography adds a dark twist to Tim’s goofy comedy style. “Almonte’s cinematography in the film gives it suspense… a sense of realism,” Tim describes. And we can’t forget Spagety’s (@SpickAndSpan_) incredible improv skills. “Edwin’s acting is scary yet hilarious.”

That Nuyorican  Rican accent though…

Tim explains his inspirations, reminiscing that he “always loved the old school Michael Myers and Freddy Krueger movies & wanted to create something similar.” He continues. “I always use my environment to create stories and thought — wouldn’t it be crazy if there was a scary film based on a Homeless guy that chases a guy for a metrocard swipe?– It’s scary but yet funny because in the film I’m really getting chased for a metrocard swipe… something you don’t see in films.” The ghetto life in Harlem is something you definitely rarely see in films. The satirical part of it all is what a big deal people make about being asked for swipe. In reality, no one is really going to chase anyone for train fare. Especially if they’re already on the train???
Well… unless it’s a cop chasing you for hopping the turnstile. That should be the next one 😉 

How far would you go for a swipe?

Watch the full video here. 

This NYC Bum Is Savage AF

There’s a key difference between a New York beggar and these New York Bums.

Harassment.

On 125th– infamous for extreme poverty and addiction— the hustle is strong. Sell metro cards. Sell phones. Sell ass. Panhandle. Do what you have to do to survive that doesn’t violate the autonomy of another. Intimidating people into handing over their money is intolerable. And you can’t simply ignore superbums. Oftentimes they will follow or continue harassing you if you don’t turn around and engage them assertively. And even that doesn’t work sometimes.

It isn’t just a problem for snobby gentrifiers. I’ve witnessed countless locals being cursed out or damn near followed for half a block. Borderline coercive robbery. The aggressive catcalling and intimidation of women should not be dismissed as ‘hood culture.’ 

That shit is CORNY.

Real Men Suck D!ck — Do You?

If Real Men Suck Dick for a Billion Dollars, would you?

There’s a lot you would do for a billion dollars. The real question is what wouldn’t you do for a billion dollars. Money’s coercive nature makes you reconsider what you wouldn’t otherwise do. Getting up at 5 in the morning with a hangover. Working at that fast food joint and serving people borderline poisonous food. Tolerating an abusive manager. Taking a gig with that annoying snob of a client with a six-figure net worth.

Money is the tool–not the motive. Money is the symbol of freedom in a capitalist society.

More money= More Freedumbs

More money to go on vacation. More money to get that boob job. More money to pursue those dreams of being a producer with the best gear in your town. Everything costs money. And if we can get our hands on money, we can buy anything — even people.

We all suck dick.

There’s a lot of things we would never do for free. Hell. People resort to murdering their family for insurance money before doing sex work. Ask any man if they would rather suck their homeboy’s dick or kill them to save their mother’s life. Sucking dick is the epitome of degradation for heterosexual men. To suck dick is to submit. To be anything but heterosexual is to sacrifice manhood. Heterosexual men doing anything remotely feminine is seen as “gay.”  Behaviors associated with women are seen as weak and undesirable. This is where homophobia and misogyny intersect.

Try this experiment

Go in a room full of men and ask; “Would you suck dick for a billion dollars?” Proceed to observe the stages of grief:

Denial

Hell naw man! That’s that gay shit! I would NEVER.

Anger

Man if any man came up to me asking me to suck his dick, that’s disrespectful! I’m knocking him out! I’ll kill that nigga and take the billion dollars!

Bargaining

I mean… how long you gotta suck it though? Is there a confidentiality agreement?

Depression

Damn but I really gotta suck it though? I can’t just do something else for the billion dollars?

Acceptance

I mean nobody gotta know. Fuck it.

The Power of Suggestion

Most people will hesitate to answer. The first few will answer. Everyone else will probably wind up agreeing to the consensus. A man will say “no” in one room and say “yes” in another if you ask him again next week.

What’s the point of Real Men Suck Dick?

Two Things.

To make you question the arbitrary definition of a “Real Man.”

To make you question how money influences your everyday decisions.

Cash cow artists in the music industry sell themselves out everyday. Changing their music, their values, and more… handing over their rights to labels for a million dollar deal… But God forbid a real nigga gotta suck some dick out here for a billion dollars.

A billion dollars.

That’s 1,000 millions. Think about it.

 

 

Ghetto Jeffro Unboxes Ghost White Timbs

The Ghost White Timbs are an icon of Hood Rich Culture.

This the first time I dropped two bucks on some sh*t some hating ass peasant will probably step on anyway. Why did I get the Ghost White Timbs? Look good; feel good, am I right?

Kinda. Not really.

I know I coulda got White boots from any other brand like H&M for 50 cash. But I don’t f*cks with fugazi sh*t. I’ma keep it a shtack. I haven’t worn Timbs since I was in middle school. Honestly, they blister my ankles and they played out. Everybody and their moms was rockin constructs. Issa lazy way to complete a navy blue color coordination. But Ghost White Timbs that make my eggshell-painted section 8 apartment look yellower than my teeth after eating two chopped cheeses back to back? I had to cop. Come on now.

Keep it 100. You hatin on me for one of three reasons:

  1. I gets more money than you.
  2. They limited edition and you was waitin til next Friday for your check. D*ckhead.
  3. You from the Bronx.

 

 

Rappers Drinking Pepto Bismol At The Club is Now a Thing

It was only a matter of time before rappers drinking Pepto Bismol in music videos became a thing.
Why tho?

I guess shitting on niggas gets tiring after a while.

Sometimes you realize you’ve been flexing entirely too much. So you have to get your hands on that pink drink to stop yourself from indulging in consumerist behavior and shitting on everyone less iced out than you are I suppose. Rappers drinking Pepto Bismol at the club is the new wave.

@TimHannRivera really killed it. It even got nominated Best Sketch Comedy at the Official Latino Film Festival. 

Here’s the Lyrics:

Sippin on that pink drink,
Got my stomach moving slow,
Sip it with a gingy,
Mix it with that combo,
Finish till it’s empty,
Think I might need one more,
Got me feeling sweaty,
Hope I make it to my show
Sippin on that pink drink,
Hope my shit don’t stink,
Popped a pill and it’s pink
Too late to rethink
Cus now I gotta go gotta go gotta go gotta go
Niggas see me with the hoes
can’t feel me toes
now I’m froze can’t move
got shit on my shoe
got Shawty saying what are those
I suppose fucked up my clothes
that’s how it goes when you
order out and get a three topping pizza at dominoes,
Gotta pop another pill,
cus mothafuckas is too trill,
drink a bit of gingerale,
boutta get that peptobismol refill
Sippin on that pink drink,
Got my stomach moving slow,
Sip it with a gingy,
Mix it with that combo,
Finish till it’s empty,
Think I might need one more,
Got me feeling sweaty,
Hope I make it to my show
12:28 I’m tryna get this drank,
Haven’t ate nothing but a fuckin frank,
Debit card not working gotta run to the bank,
Sharted in my pants shits about to stank,
Ima street nigga fuck you talking bout,
wanna order wings but I’m having doubts,
Ayo Bandage don’t do it man you’re butthole gonna feel like a drout,
Nigga fuck all that other shit I’m ready to check out,
I just got me two piece chicken wings,
Ima street nigga I can do these things,
once I took a bite my fuckin stomach dropped,
these mothafuckin wings made my heart stop,
gotta find me a drug store,
anything that sells that peptobismol,
Ima street nigga y’all already know,
but these wings boutta make my stomach blow…
Sippin on that pink drink,
Got my stomach moving slow,
Sip it with a gingy,
Mix it with that combo,
Finish till it’s empty,
Think I might need one more,
Got me feeling sweaty,
Hope I make it to my show

 

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