Comedy

‘Broke Rappers.’ I Don’t Do Free Shoots. Period.

No if’s. No and’s. No but’s.

Oh boy. The relationship between ‘broke rappers’ and actual broke video producers.

Or producers of any kind. Graphic designers. Web designers. Engineers. We’ve all had a run-in with a selectively cheap artist that brags about their lavish lives in their music. Then turns around and low-balls you for your services. ‘Broke rappers’ are usually not broke at all. Just dudes with f*cked up priorities and no respect for artistry. And an over-inflated sense of self.

Tell them to kick rocks. They probably won’t do it while they wear their new Balenciaga’s.

Sure there are genuinely starving artists that will actually barter some of their services for yours. And there’s nothing wrong with respectfully admitting, “this isn’t something I can afford right now. Hope to work with you in the future!” and keep it moving.

But.

See what we’re not going to tolerate is someone devaluing our work and saying “can you lower the price” just because. A friend-of-a-friend discount.

I can’t walk into Best Buy and use an Instagram shout-out as a form of currency to buy a camera. So what makes you think you can pay someone in exposure for a skill that took a lot of time and money to develop?

Let’s take a step back. There are actual broke rappers.

Working video in Hip Hop is an interesting beast different from weddings, commercial, or film work. Probably the most fun you’ll have as a creator. Oftentimes gigs that are most fun tend to pay less. Especially in a genre that is literally the voice of the underprivileged. Artists turn to Hip Hop to express socio-economic hardship. They will make music by any means necessary. And sometimes being resourceful means hustling others into doing free work for them. I come from a place where my friends would pool money together from their 9-5 jobs and invest in an entry-level DSLR camera. Then just shoot it themselves. We didn’t even know what ISO was. We were just dedicated to learning by experience and doing what we could. But we definitely weren’t contacting professional-level producers that we knew had high rates to try to lower their prices… especially not offering to pay them in “exposure.”

Producers aren’t charging you these prices because they want to scam you. They do it because its how they keep the lights on. It’s how they’re able to afford to maintain their equipment and keep doing what they do. Video is especially important in boosting a music career. No one will take you seriously if you invest thousands in looking good or even on hours of studio time but won’t invest in the visuals. If you really can’t afford to pay a professional, study the craft and do it yourself. Don’t burn bridges by disrespecting the value of other artists.

Christmas Prank on New Yorker Gone Wrong

Watch this prank video where a New Yorker gets Timbs for Christmas.

But it goes terribly wrong.

He even mentions how he should have spent Christmas with his main chick. Clearly he hasn’t read the Fuckboy Handbook(TM)L


  • Wifey knowest the desires of thee wellest. Thou shall not spendeth any Holiday — including birthdays — with any mistress, no matter how good the thrussy may beeth.


What New Yorker gets Timbs as a gift and is happy about it? If you’re dating a New Yorker, they probably already own a pair.

Or five.

Jinzo Hits Every Beat

Watch how Jinzo kills this remix to this famous Hip Hop Tutorial Video that became a meme.

Jinzo kills it–per usual. But he makes sure to take it back to his popping roots to show you he never misses a beat.

That Time of Year Strangers Become Family

The Thanksgiving strangers are coming this holiday season.

Thanksgiving strangers. Those 3rd cousins that you always see down the block that don’t say sh*t to you. You gon’ let them rock and make they plate?

Thanksgiving in the hood is interesting. Having a broken hereditary family means you’ll probably enjoy the pre-thanksgiving friendsgiving. A potluck of drinking and sh*t- talking with friends about middle school days.

Definitely more enjoyable than an awkward sit down of a bunch of aunts you don’t remember meeting asking “how’s school” every 5 minutes… and hearing your woke uncle tell you about how we shouldn’t even be celebrating the genocide of indigenous people.

Watch Tim Hann’s full skit here.

(And btw. Mac. We aren’t celebrating genocide. It’s just a day off. Relax.)

What to Do When You Have a Gay Son

The same thing you would do if you had a straight son.

Having a gay son is always made a spectacle

As if preparing for your child’s potential queerness is on par with being diagnosed with some terminal illness.

It’s not a tragedy to have a gay son. Not an inconvenience. Not some hypothetical hard premise to make small talk about at a dinner table. People are gay. People are straight. And all sorts of in-betweens.

What would I do if I had a gay son? The same thing I would do if I had a straight son.

But that’s not an interesting enough answer for you is it? Watch the satirical comedy sketch on what to do.

And enjoy the reaction people give you when you use this answer to such a silly question.

 

This NYC Bum Is Savage AF

There’s a key difference between a New York beggar and these New York Bums.

Harassment.

On 125th– infamous for extreme poverty and addiction— the hustle is strong. Sell metro cards. Sell phones. Sell ass. Panhandle. Do what you have to do to survive that doesn’t violate the autonomy of another. Intimidating people into handing over their money is intolerable. And you can’t simply ignore superbums. Oftentimes they will follow or continue harassing you if you don’t turn around and engage them assertively. And even that doesn’t work sometimes.

It isn’t just a problem for snobby gentrifiers. I’ve witnessed countless locals being cursed out or damn near followed for half a block. Borderline coercive robbery. The aggressive catcalling and intimidation of women should not be dismissed as ‘hood culture.’ 

That shit is CORNY.

Rappers Drinking Pepto Bismol At The Club is Now a Thing

It was only a matter of time before rappers drinking Pepto Bismol in music videos became a thing.
Why tho?

I guess shitting on niggas gets tiring after a while.

Sometimes you realize you’ve been flexing entirely too much. So you have to get your hands on that pink drink to stop yourself from indulging in consumerist behavior and shitting on everyone less iced out than you are I suppose. Rappers drinking Pepto Bismol at the club is the new wave.

@TimHannRivera really killed it. It even got nominated Best Sketch Comedy at the Official Latino Film Festival. 

Here’s the Lyrics:

Sippin on that pink drink,
Got my stomach moving slow,
Sip it with a gingy,
Mix it with that combo,
Finish till it’s empty,
Think I might need one more,
Got me feeling sweaty,
Hope I make it to my show
Sippin on that pink drink,
Hope my shit don’t stink,
Popped a pill and it’s pink
Too late to rethink
Cus now I gotta go gotta go gotta go gotta go
Niggas see me with the hoes
can’t feel me toes
now I’m froze can’t move
got shit on my shoe
got Shawty saying what are those
I suppose fucked up my clothes
that’s how it goes when you
order out and get a three topping pizza at dominoes,
Gotta pop another pill,
cus mothafuckas is too trill,
drink a bit of gingerale,
boutta get that peptobismol refill
Sippin on that pink drink,
Got my stomach moving slow,
Sip it with a gingy,
Mix it with that combo,
Finish till it’s empty,
Think I might need one more,
Got me feeling sweaty,
Hope I make it to my show
12:28 I’m tryna get this drank,
Haven’t ate nothing but a fuckin frank,
Debit card not working gotta run to the bank,
Sharted in my pants shits about to stank,
Ima street nigga fuck you talking bout,
wanna order wings but I’m having doubts,
Ayo Bandage don’t do it man you’re butthole gonna feel like a drout,
Nigga fuck all that other shit I’m ready to check out,
I just got me two piece chicken wings,
Ima street nigga I can do these things,
once I took a bite my fuckin stomach dropped,
these mothafuckin wings made my heart stop,
gotta find me a drug store,
anything that sells that peptobismol,
Ima street nigga y’all already know,
but these wings boutta make my stomach blow…
Sippin on that pink drink,
Got my stomach moving slow,
Sip it with a gingy,
Mix it with that combo,
Finish till it’s empty,
Think I might need one more,
Got me feeling sweaty,
Hope I make it to my show

 

Almonte Shows His Bantu Knot Routine

Bantu Knots are an easy way to create big, defined curls.

But Almonte actually prefers them kept in their protective style like Jada Pinkett in The Matrix.

Here’s how Almonte does his Bantu Knots:

Step 1

Moisturize & Detangle

After a good deep conditioner, your hair takes in moisturizer best when it is damp– not soaked.

Use something revitalizing like jojoba oil for split ends; aloe vera for the scalp. Coconut oil can be too heavy for some causing more build up. But you can never go wrong with something water-based like aloe vera to prevent dandruff during the cold winter.

Go light. You will use more moisturizer as you create the actual bantu knot.

Detangle the ends while holding your roots in place to minimize hair breakage. THEN go for the roots, gently. 

Probably more gentle than Almonte was TBH.

Step 2

Part & Tie Back

Separate your hair how you see fit. The bigger the part, the thicker the knots.

Tie or clip back parts you are not working on.

Work from the back to the front so that you don’t touch any previous parts/knots while you work on the new one.

Optional Step

Do a two strand twist as seen in this tutorial to make some of the hair easier to coil into the bantu knot.

Step 3

Twist & Coil

Moisturize your hands. Grab the part close– not tight– to your scalp. Pick a direction. Stick with it.

Twist around your fingers into a cylindrical shape.

You’ll find it will naturally start to coil as you twist. Go for it.

Continue the loop, tucking the next coil under the previous. When you get to the end, moisturize more. Coil around tight this time so it locks in. If that’s too tight for you, keep it looser and use a bobby pin.

All done.

Throwback Thursday || What’s the Hook? COMEDY SKIT

Throwback Thursday brings you “What’s the Hook?”

16 year old Almonte uses a play on words for this 5 year old comedy sketch. Always sing the hook right or you’ll get a right hook. Then again, what he did was more of a straight. So Pedro had to correct him. Just ask Danny.

*Side eye*

Before TheAlmonteFilms was JShamw0w

With a zero. There was a completely different channel before Almonte started to brand himself as a filmmaker… before he even knew he would be a filmmaker. This was one of the gems right before he completely abandoned the channel.

Watch This Ridiculous A Boogie Parody ft. Metro Boomin

This A Boogie Parody Lowkey SLAPS.

Probably not as much as an actual Metro Boomin track. But good enough for Almonte playing B Boogie and @CallMeJinzo playing Metro Swipin for A Boogie Parody.

Everyone knows A Boogie wit Da Hoodie can make a catchy cadence. And let’s not forget how relateable his romantic tragedies are for a lot of youth living in the ghetto. But what often goes overlooked is his lyrical capabilities as a writer. For instance, in his melancholic “D.T.B.” he says:

“I know what a ten is, you not Serena.”

Allusion, or referencing, is a literary device used by many Hip Hop artists. Jazz artists have done it by playing melodies from famous or popular songs. They’re not meant to be caught by everyone. But if you’re one of the lucky ones, it’s like finding out your favorite celebrity has the same birthday as you. A Boogie is talking about Serena Williams here– or at least we think he is. For all we know, he could be talking about an Instagram baddie who’s name just so happens to be Serena. Maybe I’m biased because I think Selena Williams defines beauty.  To eliminate this confusion, A boogie plugs another literary device in there– Pun. 

“I know what I ten is…”

Ten is.

Tennis.

Reach?

Maybe.

When people think of A boogie they think someone that’s going to put them in their bag. Someone to make them feel raw, unadulterated emotion. No one really looks for technical rapping skill especially since he goes with a melodic, catchy style of rapping. Yet hearing a song on repeat might make you double-take on some of those multi-syllabic rhyme schemes. And he isn’t afraid of getting too on-the-nose with it in “Timeless”:

“2 seater Bentley and it’s topless
And she’s topless, naked bitch driver”

The melody gives a familiarity when you hear two homophones. Words that sound the same but mean two different things.

“We went from chillin’ in the projects to makin projects.” -Drowning

I felt the same munchies A Boogie felt while he wrote Quiet Storm freestyle. He describes his hunger for success by using hood jargon named after the components of a sandwich:

“So I started flipping onions just so I could get my bread up
But now I’m going ham in the building
Cause they ain’t let us
Saying fuck the mozzarella
Cause nigga I wanted cheddar
My heart colder than a case of beers in the freezer
This is how you niggas made me though.”

Some of these can be kind of hit or miss. Sometimes I find myself saying “Ooo that was hard” but most times it feels like comic relief. It’s fun. It’s relateable. And pretty clever without trying to hard to be. The fact that A Boogie has no issue speaking of emotional vulnerability in his songs doesn’t feel like a lot of hyper-masculine rappers we are used to seeing get big trying to come up with the hardest most off-the-wall line they could possibly create. The melody makes it seemless and not too jarring even if a line may fall flat for many people.

So.

This A Boogie parody pays tribute to how fun and ridiculous you can get with this. Complete with the whole using-“b*tch”-as-a-syllable-filler-to-confetti-your-song-style you see in Timeless.
And the saturated 808’s in this instrumental:

Here’s the lyrics:
Shorties think im autistic
I’m just artistic
Why you think they call me Artis
look what Artis did
They recognize me at Popeyes, yeah I pop eyes.
Ima hit you wit the nightstick
I got a nice dick
We used to smoke in the family Garden
Now I perform at the garden my family got in
Try to crash my VIP Ima let the guards in
Nigga who you think you guardin, I ain’t harden
Bitches need to hold up
But What’s the hold up ?
Niggas walk up in the club
Like this a hold up
Bitches know that Im a god Nigga you angel
get them Lights camera action,
Get them angles
Bitch How can you not see
That That’s a nazi
Man how could you hate Jews
I really hate chu
I be Furrowin my Eyebrows
While I Browse
We tried to eat Lettuce
Niggas won’t let us
How can I be vegan
Where do I begin?
Cheating at the hotel
Don’t let that hoe tell
These Butt hurt niggas gon need some bengay
Stressing me about my nails cause they really been gay
The avatar is angry
Cause I sucked aangs meat.
Yeah we in the drive thru
You know we drive through
Why you think they outchea?
cause they take out chairs.
Used to sleep in the living room
We don’t live in rooms
You know I’m eating Reese’s while I’m at recess
He said meet me at high bridge
Damn that’s a high bridge
What’s my occupation she steady Askin
I’m a lumberjack so I put that axe in
I’m a Harlem nigga
Said she like my accent
Said she like my melody
With staccato accents
I know you be lyin cause you a lion
I knew asked you for some water but you threw some lime in
You said you like the way I rap
When I be rhymin
But you gave me some Udon I asked for Ramen
Bitch You a fuckin omen
Nigga amen
Bitch You look just like a cheetah
Yeah you a cheater
Giving head up on my rooftop
You know that’s roof top
How could you tell me that’s not seed in you
Stupid fat bitch Man i could see it in you
Yeah I Used to work at Payless you know so I Pay less
Now You better have a PayPal or you gonna pay pal
Yeah she call me daddy I’m babysitting
She suck me like a bottle while my baby sittin
Now I’m Listening to my shit
While taking my shit
And if it’s a Sunday I eat a sundae
I be off on the weekends when the week ends
If you hungry with a stomachache, don’t let ya stomach ache
Recorded all my solos but it was so low
SHE SAID SHE WANT A CELL PHONE SO NOW SHE SELL PHONES
Take you to another planet we better plan it
When I need the right aid I go to Rite Aid
If you want the ketchup you better catch up
See a kid napping then kidnap him.
She say she want a hitter til I hit her.
She passed out when I farted that’s what my fart did.
She said she had a good night I told her goodnight
gay niggas drinking fruit punch yeah that fruit punch
Yeah I spank my mans buns
And pull his manbun
Had some chocolate in his latte,that’s chocolate
Niggas often say sometimes I’m Corny
Turn a nigga to a vegetable so he corny
Leave you in the hospital when I see you
Leave you in a coma in ICU.

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