Boyfriend

5 Signs You’re Dealing With A Fuckboy

Watch Out For These Fuckboy Red Flags

1. Fear of communication

Why are you asking me that? Why are you interrogating me? Do we have to keep talking about this? 

Fuckboys cannot deal with emotional labor. They want you to take care of all that. They fear the vulnerability that comes with honesty. So god forbid you ever ask them a question about anything, anyone, or any woman. They are just here for the fun parts of a relationship. Not communicating emotional needs nor concerns.

2. I Didn’t Mean It.

There’s a difference between mistakes and bad decisions. We all make both. Sure we don’t mean harm. Most humans don’t go around thinking, “how can I hurt someone that cares about me today.”

Fuckboys will go on and on about how hurting you wasn’t their intention. But intention doesn’t alleviate result. If there’s a fly on your face and I smack dogshit out of you, my intention was to kill the fly. That doesn’t stop your face from hurting after you just got slapped to kingdom come.

Doing the right thing means he will instinctively take accountability for what he’s done. And try to fix it. Not deflect blame off of himself by immediately cowering behind his original intentions. People have good intentions. Anyone that needs to reassure themselves that they aren’t bad people by constantly talking about what they meant to do rather than what they actually did is insecure in themselves and the value people place on them.

Whether it’s something as deal-breaking as cheating on you or as small as ruining your wash & set with his oily fingers, pay attention to his first steps to problem solving.

3. Flipping the Tables

But I didn’t say anything when you…

But I also went through…

Ever confront someone for hurting you? Your feelings? Only to notice 3 sentences into the conversation that you’re now talking about their feelings. Their turbulent past? Now they’re bringing up a bunch of shit you did that bothered them that they never mentioned before?

Your plane just got hijacked.

To a Fuckboy, everything is everyone’s fault by default. They don’t feel like their actions really cause any harm. Because they don’t feel alive. If something goes wrong, there’s no way possible that they–alone–could have had any power to influence that catastrophe whatsoever.

And if they ever did anything wrong, it’s because you did something first. You somehow made them do it. They will go through all the gymnastics to make some cause-and-effect timeline of how all their actions were a mere reaction — void of their own autonomy — to someone else.

4. There is always an excuse for his fuckery.

But I didn’t know we were serious. But I didn’t know you even liked me like that. But I didn’t know that would hurt you. But we not even together. But I was in a bad place. But she started. But. But.

But.

Fuckboys never know when something is serious. Because they have a lack of self worth. They cannot register the impact they have on people’s lives. All they see is their own impulsive, temporary motives that have no real depth besides pussy and a good time. Fuckboys just go with the flow. They exist for the mere moment. Fuckboys don’t think of consequences for their actions. They think of excuses.

5. He expects you to stick around, despite it all.

Wowwwwww. You really leaving me? I thought you was a ride or die. I need someone that can handle me. You’re making this a big deal.

Shrug off that gaslighting real quick. You don’t have to handle someone’s personal issues. You aren’t a bad person for leaving someone that continuously adds negativity to your life.

He knows he’s not ready for a relationship. He doesn’t want to be. A Fuckboy knows they aint shit. Most of us aint. The difference is, most people want to work on their flaws. Fuckboys want company in their toxic, self-loathing misery. As long as you’re willing to stay. As long as you have hope that he will one day change, he will feel comfortable enough to never change at all.

A Fuckboy isn’t a school project. A man will change when he wants to. Sure, a woman may be the catalyst– not the reason–for a man  to turn his life around. But. You might just mold him into the perfect man–for someone else. Don’t waste your time on the potentiality for being an obstacle. Invest your emotions into someone who is ready to love you the way you need to be loved.

The Truth

All men are guilty of one of these things. We all have our percentage of fuckery going on. Blaming others. Lack of empathizing with feeling’s outside of our own. Projecting our self-loathing. Wanting company in our toxicity.

Awareness is the first step to change. Second is Honesty– analyzing how willing we are to change and what are the best solutions. Even if that solution means letting go of someone you know you’re hurting.  And the last step is to ADAPT. Execution. This piece can only guide you through the first two phases. The rest is all you. You said you would change? Distance yourself. Do what you said you would. Don’t drag the people that love you through your tumultuous transitions.

If you are dealing with a Fuckboy, you are enabling them. Give them space to grow on their own. Even if that means cutting them off entirely.

Boyfriend Hanging Out with His ‘Homegirl’ Again?

“I Don’t Play That ‘Best Friend’ Sh*t” was a dealbreaker an old girlfriend gave me about having a homegirl.

Having friends outside of your relationship is absolutely healthy. Even platonic romance. However, there’s a bold red flag if your man is coming home to his homegirl more often than he’s coming to you.

Often we want to give our partners freedom. Especially when Black women are constantly gaslighted when voicing any concern. Women in general are always stereotyped to be more “emotional. So one could only imagine the societal pressures to not be “that angry Black Woman” when you are unhappy. If your significant other’s relationship with his homegirl seems sus, you have all the reason to question it. Especially if he ghosts your texts and calls every time he is with them.

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