Comedy

Rappers Drinking Pepto Bismol At The Club is Now a Thing

It was only a matter of time before rappers drinking Pepto Bismol in music videos became a thing.
Why tho?

I guess shitting on niggas gets tiring after a while.

Sometimes you realize you’ve been flexing entirely too much. So you have to get your hands on that pink drink to stop yourself from indulging in consumerist behavior and shitting on everyone less iced out than you are I suppose. Rappers drinking Pepto Bismol at the club is the new wave.

@TimHannRivera really killed it. It even got nominated Best Sketch Comedy at the Official Latino Film Festival. 

Here’s the Lyrics:

Sippin on that pink drink,
Got my stomach moving slow,
Sip it with a gingy,
Mix it with that combo,
Finish till it’s empty,
Think I might need one more,
Got me feeling sweaty,
Hope I make it to my show
Sippin on that pink drink,
Hope my shit don’t stink,
Popped a pill and it’s pink
Too late to rethink
Cus now I gotta go gotta go gotta go gotta go
Niggas see me with the hoes
can’t feel me toes
now I’m froze can’t move
got shit on my shoe
got Shawty saying what are those
I suppose fucked up my clothes
that’s how it goes when you
order out and get a three topping pizza at dominoes,
Gotta pop another pill,
cus mothafuckas is too trill,
drink a bit of gingerale,
boutta get that peptobismol refill
Sippin on that pink drink,
Got my stomach moving slow,
Sip it with a gingy,
Mix it with that combo,
Finish till it’s empty,
Think I might need one more,
Got me feeling sweaty,
Hope I make it to my show
12:28 I’m tryna get this drank,
Haven’t ate nothing but a fuckin frank,
Debit card not working gotta run to the bank,
Sharted in my pants shits about to stank,
Ima street nigga fuck you talking bout,
wanna order wings but I’m having doubts,
Ayo Bandage don’t do it man you’re butthole gonna feel like a drout,
Nigga fuck all that other shit I’m ready to check out,
I just got me two piece chicken wings,
Ima street nigga I can do these things,
once I took a bite my fuckin stomach dropped,
these mothafuckin wings made my heart stop,
gotta find me a drug store,
anything that sells that peptobismol,
Ima street nigga y’all already know,
but these wings boutta make my stomach blow…
Sippin on that pink drink,
Got my stomach moving slow,
Sip it with a gingy,
Mix it with that combo,
Finish till it’s empty,
Think I might need one more,
Got me feeling sweaty,
Hope I make it to my show

 

Throwback Thursday || What’s the Hook? COMEDY SKIT

Throwback Thursday brings you “What’s the Hook?”

16 year old Almonte uses a play on words for this 5 year old comedy sketch. Always sing the hook right or you’ll get a right hook. Then again, what he did was more of a straight. So Pedro had to correct him. Just ask Danny.

*Side eye*

Before TheAlmonteFilms was JShamw0w

With a zero. There was a completely different channel before Almonte started to brand himself as a filmmaker… before he even knew he would be a filmmaker. This was one of the gems right before he completely abandoned the channel.

Harlem Gentrifier Silences Mister Softee Ice Cream Truck

Or at least she tries.

First they came for our chopped cheese.

Now they are coming for Mister Softee? You can’t be serious.
This new harlem resident AKA gentrifier complained that Mister Softee’s ice cream truck was too loud. This is an iconic staple of New York City in general. She really tried to call the police on this man doing his job. The weaponization and threat of force is continuously used by these invaders trying to redefine the pace of the hood.

Don’t Read the Worldstar Hate Comments… Trust me.

It’s never healthy to take Worldstar Hate Comments to heart.

Comment sections in general are a trip. The Worldstar hate comments especially add to the ‘bitter-‘ part of the bittersweetness of going viral. When you’re in the spotlight, 15 minutes of fame can also mean 15 minutes of shame if you let the hate get to you. We’re talking outright off-the-wall insults. Not criticism. Especially not constructive criticism. Straight roasting. Like Jesus coming back for a 2nd round of miracles, walking on water, and people making fun of him for wearing fake pumas. Or for leaving his edges in 33 AD.

Worldstar hate comments are ruthless. Don’t read them until you’re ready.

Watch This Ridiculous A Boogie Parody ft. Metro Boomin

This A Boogie Parody Lowkey SLAPS.

Probably not as much as an actual Metro Boomin track. But good enough for Almonte playing B Boogie and @CallMeJinzo playing Metro Swipin for A Boogie Parody.

Everyone knows A Boogie wit Da Hoodie can make a catchy cadence. And let’s not forget how relateable his romantic tragedies are for a lot of youth living in the ghetto. But what often goes overlooked is his lyrical capabilities as a writer. For instance, in his melancholic “D.T.B.” he says:

“I know what a ten is, you not Serena.”

Allusion, or referencing, is a literary device used by many Hip Hop artists. Jazz artists have done it by playing melodies from famous or popular songs. They’re not meant to be caught by everyone. But if you’re one of the lucky ones, it’s like finding out your favorite celebrity has the same birthday as you. A Boogie is talking about Serena Williams here– or at least we think he is. For all we know, he could be talking about an Instagram baddie who’s name just so happens to be Serena. Maybe I’m biased because I think Selena Williams defines beauty.  To eliminate this confusion, A boogie plugs another literary device in there– Pun. 

“I know what I ten is…”

Ten is.

Tennis.

Reach?

Maybe.

When people think of A boogie they think someone that’s going to put them in their bag. Someone to make them feel raw, unadulterated emotion. No one really looks for technical rapping skill especially since he goes with a melodic, catchy style of rapping. Yet hearing a song on repeat might make you double-take on some of those multi-syllabic rhyme schemes. And he isn’t afraid of getting too on-the-nose with it in “Timeless”:

“2 seater Bentley and it’s topless
And she’s topless, naked bitch driver”

The melody gives a familiarity when you hear two homophones. Words that sound the same but mean two different things.

“We went from chillin’ in the projects to makin projects.” -Drowning

I felt the same munchies A Boogie felt while he wrote Quiet Storm freestyle. He describes his hunger for success by using hood jargon named after the components of a sandwich:

“So I started flipping onions just so I could get my bread up
But now I’m going ham in the building
Cause they ain’t let us
Saying fuck the mozzarella
Cause nigga I wanted cheddar
My heart colder than a case of beers in the freezer
This is how you niggas made me though.”

Some of these can be kind of hit or miss. Sometimes I find myself saying “Ooo that was hard” but most times it feels like comic relief. It’s fun. It’s relateable. And pretty clever without trying to hard to be. The fact that A Boogie has no issue speaking of emotional vulnerability in his songs doesn’t feel like a lot of hyper-masculine rappers we are used to seeing get big trying to come up with the hardest most off-the-wall line they could possibly create. The melody makes it seemless and not too jarring even if a line may fall flat for many people.

So.

This A Boogie parody pays tribute to how fun and ridiculous you can get with this. Complete with the whole using-“b*tch”-as-a-syllable-filler-to-confetti-your-song-style you see in Timeless.
And the saturated 808’s in this instrumental:

Here’s the lyrics:
Shorties think im autistic
I’m just artistic
Why you think they call me Artis
look what Artis did
They recognize me at Popeyes, yeah I pop eyes.
Ima hit you wit the nightstick
I got a nice dick
We used to smoke in the family Garden
Now I perform at the garden my family got in
Try to crash my VIP Ima let the guards in
Nigga who you think you guardin, I ain’t harden
Bitches need to hold up
But What’s the hold up ?
Niggas walk up in the club
Like this a hold up
Bitches know that Im a god Nigga you angel
get them Lights camera action,
Get them angles
Bitch How can you not see
That That’s a nazi
Man how could you hate Jews
I really hate chu
I be Furrowin my Eyebrows
While I Browse
We tried to eat Lettuce
Niggas won’t let us
How can I be vegan
Where do I begin?
Cheating at the hotel
Don’t let that hoe tell
These Butt hurt niggas gon need some bengay
Stressing me about my nails cause they really been gay
The avatar is angry
Cause I sucked aangs meat.
Yeah we in the drive thru
You know we drive through
Why you think they outchea?
cause they take out chairs.
Used to sleep in the living room
We don’t live in rooms
You know I’m eating Reese’s while I’m at recess
He said meet me at high bridge
Damn that’s a high bridge
What’s my occupation she steady Askin
I’m a lumberjack so I put that axe in
I’m a Harlem nigga
Said she like my accent
Said she like my melody
With staccato accents
I know you be lyin cause you a lion
I knew asked you for some water but you threw some lime in
You said you like the way I rap
When I be rhymin
But you gave me some Udon I asked for Ramen
Bitch You a fuckin omen
Nigga amen
Bitch You look just like a cheetah
Yeah you a cheater
Giving head up on my rooftop
You know that’s roof top
How could you tell me that’s not seed in you
Stupid fat bitch Man i could see it in you
Yeah I Used to work at Payless you know so I Pay less
Now You better have a PayPal or you gonna pay pal
Yeah she call me daddy I’m babysitting
She suck me like a bottle while my baby sittin
Now I’m Listening to my shit
While taking my shit
And if it’s a Sunday I eat a sundae
I be off on the weekends when the week ends
If you hungry with a stomachache, don’t let ya stomach ache
Recorded all my solos but it was so low
SHE SAID SHE WANT A CELL PHONE SO NOW SHE SELL PHONES
Take you to another planet we better plan it
When I need the right aid I go to Rite Aid
If you want the ketchup you better catch up
See a kid napping then kidnap him.
She say she want a hitter til I hit her.
She passed out when I farted that’s what my fart did.
She said she had a good night I told her goodnight
gay niggas drinking fruit punch yeah that fruit punch
Yeah I spank my mans buns
And pull his manbun
Had some chocolate in his latte,that’s chocolate
Niggas often say sometimes I’m Corny
Turn a nigga to a vegetable so he corny
Leave you in the hospital when I see you
Leave you in a coma in ICU.

When a New Yorker Leaves the Hood

Let’s face it. When your friend leaves the hood, it’s a bitter-sweet spectacle.

Many in the hood want to obtain absurd amounts of wealth to buy all the luxury clothing that will juxtapose their habitat. To flaunt the audacity to walk in urban decadence with the new Ghost Whites on their feet and a gold chain pounding no fear on their heart with every step. In the Hood, you look good;  you feel good. The ‘Hood Rich’ mentality is one of consumerism– the idea that you are what you wear. We place value on ourselves based on the things we can afford to buy.
But there’s a catch.
You can’t keep that title if you leave the Hood. Because we simultaneously worship wealth while romanticizing “the struggle.” The struggle of surviving in a dangerous environment… of living paycheck to paycheck… of eating hypertension-inducing instant ramen noodles everyday… of having to sell drugs, sell ass, or both when no one wants to hire you. So when you finally escape this social prison, your childhood friends are bound to feel resentment.

Society has been engineered to keep you poor. So if you’re lucky enough to be granted the right opportunities to leave, chances are your friends are not going with you. Your friends may blame you for not being able to take them with you. Maybe even blame themselves even if they work harder than you. We continue to look at each other and point the finger at everyone. Everyone but the warden and his guards that turn a blind eye to your implosion. The cold truth: the system was designed this way.

How do we cope when the people we love can’t leave the hood?

We celebrate with the hood. Party with the hood. Feed the hood. We treat them like charity cases to cope with the guilt of our success. Because in a way, these are the people that have contributed to who we are and what we’ve become. They deserve more than what you can give them and you know it. But we know damn well everyone can’t fit on the life boat while the titanic sinks. Otherwise, you’ll all drown. And capitalism has taught us that suffering is all worth it as long as one of us makes it. The ones that “make it” become the new-money Gatsby to absolve their guilt. After the entourage, they indulge in their new lavish lifestyle alone while their friends go back to the hood to tell braggadocios stories of their old friend that came back to the Hood to share a taste of his newly found wealth.

And Chopped Cheese.

Boyfriend Hanging Out with His ‘Homegirl’ Again?

“I Don’t Play That ‘Best Friend’ Sh*t” was a dealbreaker an old girlfriend gave me about having a homegirl.

Having friends outside of your relationship is absolutely healthy. Even platonic romance. However, there’s a bold red flag if your man is coming home to his homegirl more often than he’s coming to you.

Often we want to give our partners freedom. Especially when Black women are constantly gaslighted when voicing any concern. Women in general are always stereotyped to be more “emotional. So one could only imagine the societal pressures to not be “that angry Black Woman” when you are unhappy. If your significant other’s relationship with his homegirl seems sus, you have all the reason to question it. Especially if he ghosts your texts and calls every time he is with them.

Worst Netflix and Chill Ever

This skit with Amanda Cruz about Netflix and Chill going wrong hits too close to home.

Netflix and Chill? Sure. Everyone loves Netflix. Everyone loves to Chill. Why not have both?

Sounds calm.

But not everyone is aware of what the “and chill” part really means.  Guys are so indirect about their intentions, you constantly have to ask things like “So are we chilling? Or are we chilling?” Or else they’ll act like you’re the crazy one for not knowing what they meant.

And coded language isn’t just some millennial phenomenon. Asking a girl to ‘Netflix and Chill’ is the equivalent to the old asking-a-girl-if-she-wants-to-‘Have-some-coffee-sometime’-at-your-place trick. Guys, there are plenty of people willing to go on a date with you or maybe even just a casual hook up. Just be straight forward. If you tell a girl you want to hang out, that’s most likely what will happen. Don’t expect anything more than what was agreed upon or you will be wasting both of each other’s time. Also, you won’t look like an entitled prick trying to coerce someone into doing something they didn’t agree to.

The London Rap That Saved Memes in 2017

What’s this Weird Side of London Rap?

Memes in 2017 just haven’t had the same dankery as 2016. Either the absurdity of bass-boosted slapstick humor has just gotten stale or things just haven’t been very memeable… But just when we were giving up on memes, this small snippet of a rapper literally making gun sounds was all over Facebook and Twitter. Within just a day there were entire compilations of this meme-worthy moment. Apparently this London rap is one of many satirical interviews in a BBC series call Fire in the Booth. Remember this guy?

New Yorkers React to London Rap

I watch this interview more times than I eat in a day. Never gets old.

The Famous Chopped Cheese Video That Sparked Controversy

Almonte sparks controversy, simplifying the conversation surrounding gentrification with his famous Chopped Cheese Video.

The chopped cheese is a New York City staple monumental to the city’s urban culture. When food tourism company Insider Foods gave a tone-deaf review of the sandwich, it hit too close to home to ignore. They’re not the first to be insensitive or bastardize the culture surrounding underground foods and pretending that “no one knows about it.” Taco Tuesdays. Sushi Cones. French-owned Cambodian spider restaurants. These tell-tale signs of gentrification have worried locals for years. Insider Food’s Chopped Cheese video was the last straw for Almonte.

Almonte reacts saying ‘this is how it starts.’ Hipsters and yuppies–middle class transplants from the Midwestern states– run to enjoy the hustle-hard urban aesthetic of the hood. Simple things like cheap food and rent entice them to flood to places they’re overqualified to live in. Financially privileged and oblivious to the existence of the poor, they call the price of a chopped cheese a “steal.” The irony of callingit a ‘steal’ foreshadows the thieving nature of Columbus syndrome, a plague coined by Spike Lee to describe a plague of visitors claiming to discover a cultural element locals have indulged in for years.

Hipsters Invade Harlem after the Chopped Cheese Video

At first glance, Insider’s viral Chopped Cheese video sending an influx of tourists seems to be something that would boost Harlem’s local economy. However, kids who would look forward to buying the chopped cheese po’ boy sandwich now face the reality that the prices may skyrocket now that a bunch of White middle-class yuppies will walk in the store bragging about what a “steal” it is. The commodification of edgy underground perks that ‘no one knows about’ becomes an overpriced tourist attraction that business owner’s can exploit at will, leaving locals out of the loop.

‘It’s not supposed to be revolutionary. It’s a f*ckin sandwich.”

But is it really just a sandwich? The chopped cheese video’s sharp rise in popularity has turned what was “just a sandwich” into a symbol of our fleeting culture. Bourgeois Upper East Side stores will soon make their new-and-improved organic, gluten-free, non-GMO chopped cheese on a panini and replace the Arizona with a Naked juice.  The bodegas filling up with White people that treat the Hood like a sideshow at the carnival is a mere microcosm of gentrification. Something as simple as a chopped up burger on a hero has now allowed people to understand gentrification on a smaller, simpler scale. Even a year and a half later, the chopped cheese video continues to resurface in the complex conversation of gentrification.

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