Jeffrey Almonte

Ghetto Jeffro Unboxes Ghost White Timbs

The Ghost White Timbs are an icon of Hood Rich Culture.

This the first time I dropped two bucks on some sh*t some hating ass peasant will probably step on anyway. Why did I get the Ghost White Timbs? Look good; feel good, am I right?

Kinda. Not really.

I know I coulda got White boots from any other brand like H&M for 50 cash. But I don’t f*cks with fugazi sh*t. I’ma keep it a shtack. I haven’t worn Timbs since I was in middle school. Honestly, they blister my ankles and they played out. Everybody and their moms was rockin constructs. Issa lazy way to complete a navy blue color coordination. But Ghost White Timbs that make my eggshell-painted section 8 apartment look yellower than my teeth after eating two chopped cheeses back to back? I had to cop. Come on now.

Keep it 100. You hatin on me for one of three reasons:

  1. I gets more money than you.
  2. They limited edition and you was waitin til next Friday for your check. D*ckhead.
  3. You from the Bronx.

 

 

Rappers Drinking Pepto Bismol At The Club is Now a Thing

It was only a matter of time before rappers drinking Pepto Bismol in music videos became a thing.
Why tho?

I guess shitting on niggas gets tiring after a while.

Sometimes you realize you’ve been flexing entirely too much. So you have to get your hands on that pink drink to stop yourself from indulging in consumerist behavior and shitting on everyone less iced out than you are I suppose. Rappers drinking Pepto Bismol at the club is the new wave.

@TimHannRivera really killed it. It even got nominated Best Sketch Comedy at the Official Latino Film Festival. 

Here’s the Lyrics:

Sippin on that pink drink,
Got my stomach moving slow,
Sip it with a gingy,
Mix it with that combo,
Finish till it’s empty,
Think I might need one more,
Got me feeling sweaty,
Hope I make it to my show
Sippin on that pink drink,
Hope my shit don’t stink,
Popped a pill and it’s pink
Too late to rethink
Cus now I gotta go gotta go gotta go gotta go
Niggas see me with the hoes
can’t feel me toes
now I’m froze can’t move
got shit on my shoe
got Shawty saying what are those
I suppose fucked up my clothes
that’s how it goes when you
order out and get a three topping pizza at dominoes,
Gotta pop another pill,
cus mothafuckas is too trill,
drink a bit of gingerale,
boutta get that peptobismol refill
Sippin on that pink drink,
Got my stomach moving slow,
Sip it with a gingy,
Mix it with that combo,
Finish till it’s empty,
Think I might need one more,
Got me feeling sweaty,
Hope I make it to my show
12:28 I’m tryna get this drank,
Haven’t ate nothing but a fuckin frank,
Debit card not working gotta run to the bank,
Sharted in my pants shits about to stank,
Ima street nigga fuck you talking bout,
wanna order wings but I’m having doubts,
Ayo Bandage don’t do it man you’re butthole gonna feel like a drout,
Nigga fuck all that other shit I’m ready to check out,
I just got me two piece chicken wings,
Ima street nigga I can do these things,
once I took a bite my fuckin stomach dropped,
these mothafuckin wings made my heart stop,
gotta find me a drug store,
anything that sells that peptobismol,
Ima street nigga y’all already know,
but these wings boutta make my stomach blow…
Sippin on that pink drink,
Got my stomach moving slow,
Sip it with a gingy,
Mix it with that combo,
Finish till it’s empty,
Think I might need one more,
Got me feeling sweaty,
Hope I make it to my show

 

Almonte Shows His Bantu Knot Routine

Bantu Knots are an easy way to create big, defined curls.

But Almonte actually prefers them kept in their protective style like Jada Pinkett in The Matrix.

Here’s how Almonte does his Bantu Knots:

Step 1

Moisturize & Detangle

After a good deep conditioner, your hair takes in moisturizer best when it is damp– not soaked.

Use something revitalizing like jojoba oil for split ends; aloe vera for the scalp. Coconut oil can be too heavy for some causing more build up. But you can never go wrong with something water-based like aloe vera to prevent dandruff during the cold winter.

Go light. You will use more moisturizer as you create the actual bantu knot.

Detangle the ends while holding your roots in place to minimize hair breakage. THEN go for the roots, gently. 

Probably more gentle than Almonte was TBH.

Step 2

Part & Tie Back

Separate your hair how you see fit. The bigger the part, the thicker the knots.

Tie or clip back parts you are not working on.

Work from the back to the front so that you don’t touch any previous parts/knots while you work on the new one.

Optional Step

Do a two strand twist as seen in this tutorial to make some of the hair easier to coil into the bantu knot.

Step 3

Twist & Coil

Moisturize your hands. Grab the part close– not tight– to your scalp. Pick a direction. Stick with it.

Twist around your fingers into a cylindrical shape.

You’ll find it will naturally start to coil as you twist. Go for it.

Continue the loop, tucking the next coil under the previous. When you get to the end, moisturize more. Coil around tight this time so it locks in. If that’s too tight for you, keep it looser and use a bobby pin.

All done.

Throwback Thursday || What’s the Hook? COMEDY SKIT

Throwback Thursday brings you “What’s the Hook?”

16 year old Almonte uses a play on words for this 5 year old comedy sketch. Always sing the hook right or you’ll get a right hook. Then again, what he did was more of a straight. So Pedro had to correct him. Just ask Danny.

*Side eye*

Before TheAlmonteFilms was JShamw0w

With a zero. There was a completely different channel before Almonte started to brand himself as a filmmaker… before he even knew he would be a filmmaker. This was one of the gems right before he completely abandoned the channel.

Harlem Gentrifier Silences Mister Softee Ice Cream Truck

Or at least she tries.

First they came for our chopped cheese.

Now they are coming for Mister Softee? You can’t be serious.
This new harlem resident AKA gentrifier complained that Mister Softee’s ice cream truck was too loud. This is an iconic staple of New York City in general. She really tried to call the police on this man doing his job. The weaponization and threat of force is continuously used by these invaders trying to redefine the pace of the hood.

What’s the Big Deal about Almonte’s Nails?

Almonte joins Black Girl Politics to talk about Masculinity.
Of course, Almonte’s nails are a crucial point.

That’s the most concerning thing about masculinity, right?

It comes up at around 34:14

Even in the most casual, day to day choices like Almonte’s nails or tucking your shirt in, your masculinity is constantly challenged.

Almonte talks about being “otherized” even as a cis straight male by his cishet peers growing up in elementary school for wearing a messenger bag.

Do children even have a sexuality before they’re even thinking about sex? From birth we are bombarded with ideas of sex conflating with other dynamic ratios like masculinity:femininity , manhood:womanhood ,  etc. These challenges to your identity come from people all over the political spectrum.

Right wingers ask, “Are you gay? Why would you paint your nails if you aren’t?”

Leftists will ask, “Are you androgynous or agender? It’s great to see you reject the idea of gender.”

We constantly allow ourselves to be defined by these labels as if we weren’t the ones to create them in the first place. Even things as rigid as labels are fluidly defined according to how society changes. Otherwise, being called a bundle of sticks wouldn’t have been considered a slur if I had been in elementary school in 400 BCE.

So why does Almonte paint his nails?

Because he wants to. Nothing more nothing less.

 

 

 

.

PS: Real Men Suck Dick.

Gary V Hiring Slaves– Ahem — Interns. He’s Hiring Interns.

Are you looking forward to Gary V hiring you? Your pay is $15.

Yup.

Look. I love Gary Vee. He’s the best motivational speaker leading this generation of entrepreneurs. But what could possibly justify paying someone McDonald’s money for video work?  He’s looking for dedicated young folks with the skills to create videos but, you know… young and ‘inexperienced’ enough to pay crumbs. The saddest part is that people would be STOKED to work with him. And that’s the exact issue with Gary V hiring young interns that would do anything to breathe the same air as him.

The problem is much bigger than Gary V honestly. Brands do this all the time. They gain a large audience and use their notoriety to exploit fans for cheap labor.

Keep it a stack. You would love work with big names like Jay Z, Beyonce, and Lady Gaga just for bragging rights.
At least your resume looks good(even if your bank account doesn’t).

Young creatives are just looking to get their foot in the door and establish some credibility. Getting paid crumbs can be overlooked if it means being able to hone your skills with their favorite celeb. Especially since being young usually means having less financial responsibilities like a mortgage or paying off a house. We even see this exploited when the social dynamic ratio of celebrity:fan is not so polarized. Example, videographers have to lower their prices to compete with the young cats unknowingly devaluing the market by doing extremely cheap work. I’ve been there; working entire music videos for 30 hours of shooting + editing for $150 commissions.

Popular brands continue this ageist tradition of targeting younger, impressionable creatives with too much ambition for their own good. It’s cheap and it works in a practical sense.

Look. Capitalism has never claimed to have the moral high ground. It’s up to us to take a stand and not engage in things like this.

Don’t Read the Worldstar Hate Comments… Trust me.

It’s never healthy to take Worldstar Hate Comments to heart.

Comment sections in general are a trip. The Worldstar hate comments especially add to the ‘bitter-‘ part of the bittersweetness of going viral. When you’re in the spotlight, 15 minutes of fame can also mean 15 minutes of shame if you let the hate get to you. We’re talking outright off-the-wall insults. Not criticism. Especially not constructive criticism. Straight roasting. Like Jesus coming back for a 2nd round of miracles, walking on water, and people making fun of him for wearing fake pumas. Or for leaving his edges in 33 AD.

Worldstar hate comments are ruthless. Don’t read them until you’re ready.

Watch This Ridiculous A Boogie Parody ft. Metro Boomin

This A Boogie Parody Lowkey SLAPS.

Probably not as much as an actual Metro Boomin track. But good enough for Almonte playing B Boogie and @CallMeJinzo playing Metro Swipin for A Boogie Parody.

Everyone knows A Boogie wit Da Hoodie can make a catchy cadence. And let’s not forget how relateable his romantic tragedies are for a lot of youth living in the ghetto. But what often goes overlooked is his lyrical capabilities as a writer. For instance, in his melancholic “D.T.B.” he says:

“I know what a ten is, you not Serena.”

Allusion, or referencing, is a literary device used by many Hip Hop artists. Jazz artists have done it by playing melodies from famous or popular songs. They’re not meant to be caught by everyone. But if you’re one of the lucky ones, it’s like finding out your favorite celebrity has the same birthday as you. A Boogie is talking about Serena Williams here– or at least we think he is. For all we know, he could be talking about an Instagram baddie who’s name just so happens to be Serena. Maybe I’m biased because I think Selena Williams defines beauty.  To eliminate this confusion, A boogie plugs another literary device in there– Pun. 

“I know what I ten is…”

Ten is.

Tennis.

Reach?

Maybe.

When people think of A boogie they think someone that’s going to put them in their bag. Someone to make them feel raw, unadulterated emotion. No one really looks for technical rapping skill especially since he goes with a melodic, catchy style of rapping. Yet hearing a song on repeat might make you double-take on some of those multi-syllabic rhyme schemes. And he isn’t afraid of getting too on-the-nose with it in “Timeless”:

“2 seater Bentley and it’s topless
And she’s topless, naked bitch driver”

The melody gives a familiarity when you hear two homophones. Words that sound the same but mean two different things.

“We went from chillin’ in the projects to makin projects.” -Drowning

I felt the same munchies A Boogie felt while he wrote Quiet Storm freestyle. He describes his hunger for success by using hood jargon named after the components of a sandwich:

“So I started flipping onions just so I could get my bread up
But now I’m going ham in the building
Cause they ain’t let us
Saying fuck the mozzarella
Cause nigga I wanted cheddar
My heart colder than a case of beers in the freezer
This is how you niggas made me though.”

Some of these can be kind of hit or miss. Sometimes I find myself saying “Ooo that was hard” but most times it feels like comic relief. It’s fun. It’s relateable. And pretty clever without trying to hard to be. The fact that A Boogie has no issue speaking of emotional vulnerability in his songs doesn’t feel like a lot of hyper-masculine rappers we are used to seeing get big trying to come up with the hardest most off-the-wall line they could possibly create. The melody makes it seemless and not too jarring even if a line may fall flat for many people.

So.

This A Boogie parody pays tribute to how fun and ridiculous you can get with this. Complete with the whole using-“b*tch”-as-a-syllable-filler-to-confetti-your-song-style you see in Timeless.
And the saturated 808’s in this instrumental:

Here’s the lyrics:
Shorties think im autistic
I’m just artistic
Why you think they call me Artis
look what Artis did
They recognize me at Popeyes, yeah I pop eyes.
Ima hit you wit the nightstick
I got a nice dick
We used to smoke in the family Garden
Now I perform at the garden my family got in
Try to crash my VIP Ima let the guards in
Nigga who you think you guardin, I ain’t harden
Bitches need to hold up
But What’s the hold up ?
Niggas walk up in the club
Like this a hold up
Bitches know that Im a god Nigga you angel
get them Lights camera action,
Get them angles
Bitch How can you not see
That That’s a nazi
Man how could you hate Jews
I really hate chu
I be Furrowin my Eyebrows
While I Browse
We tried to eat Lettuce
Niggas won’t let us
How can I be vegan
Where do I begin?
Cheating at the hotel
Don’t let that hoe tell
These Butt hurt niggas gon need some bengay
Stressing me about my nails cause they really been gay
The avatar is angry
Cause I sucked aangs meat.
Yeah we in the drive thru
You know we drive through
Why you think they outchea?
cause they take out chairs.
Used to sleep in the living room
We don’t live in rooms
You know I’m eating Reese’s while I’m at recess
He said meet me at high bridge
Damn that’s a high bridge
What’s my occupation she steady Askin
I’m a lumberjack so I put that axe in
I’m a Harlem nigga
Said she like my accent
Said she like my melody
With staccato accents
I know you be lyin cause you a lion
I knew asked you for some water but you threw some lime in
You said you like the way I rap
When I be rhymin
But you gave me some Udon I asked for Ramen
Bitch You a fuckin omen
Nigga amen
Bitch You look just like a cheetah
Yeah you a cheater
Giving head up on my rooftop
You know that’s roof top
How could you tell me that’s not seed in you
Stupid fat bitch Man i could see it in you
Yeah I Used to work at Payless you know so I Pay less
Now You better have a PayPal or you gonna pay pal
Yeah she call me daddy I’m babysitting
She suck me like a bottle while my baby sittin
Now I’m Listening to my shit
While taking my shit
And if it’s a Sunday I eat a sundae
I be off on the weekends when the week ends
If you hungry with a stomachache, don’t let ya stomach ache
Recorded all my solos but it was so low
SHE SAID SHE WANT A CELL PHONE SO NOW SHE SELL PHONES
Take you to another planet we better plan it
When I need the right aid I go to Rite Aid
If you want the ketchup you better catch up
See a kid napping then kidnap him.
She say she want a hitter til I hit her.
She passed out when I farted that’s what my fart did.
She said she had a good night I told her goodnight
gay niggas drinking fruit punch yeah that fruit punch
Yeah I spank my mans buns
And pull his manbun
Had some chocolate in his latte,that’s chocolate
Niggas often say sometimes I’m Corny
Turn a nigga to a vegetable so he corny
Leave you in the hospital when I see you
Leave you in a coma in ICU.

What Song Was That? || TRUST By Deebo Dioso

Everyone loved the song at the end of Almonte’s most DEADASS video of 2017.

Let’s keep it real–Deebo Dioso can sonically enhance any of Almonte’s content.

And so much of Almonte’s audience finds themselves binge-listening to Deebo Dioso after hearing just a snippet of his sound in the end credits(people stick around for those)? Why?

“I think the subject matter of my music match the same as [Almonte’s] videos” Deebo Dioso says. “..sometimes not word for word but the vibe usually fits perfect.”

If you love Almonte’s visuals, you’ll most likely feel the same Deebo Dioso’s music. They’re two different artists that grew up in the same vibrantly dark conditions of East Harlem, just 5 blocks from each other. Naturally, their work compliments one another. They even worked on an urban martial arts web series together .

Gang violence, drug addiction, art, culture, family, spirituality, and activism are what give Harlem its cultural density. The east side contains a lot of urban decadence but also shares all the good that comes with still being Harlem. It is the birthplace of the Harlem Renaissance and a monumental location for Black leaders like Malcolm X to thrive. The pain of growing up in a toxic environment tends to make artists turn to their craft as a coping mechanism. Hip Hop and urban literature are two things misunderstood as being glorifying of violence. But in reality, these pieces are merely victory screams of being able to survive despite it all.

In “When New Yorkers Leave the Hood,” Almonte exposes the mixed emotions resentment can cause for friends in the hood.
In “Trust” Deebo Dioso tells a story we all resonate with, inside and outside of the hood. Broken Friendships.

Oh man, these n*ggas up to no good. You be a young n*gga makin sure the bros good. Next thing you know, Chinx shot in his own hood.” 

Chinx was a popular rapper that was shot dead in his own neighborhood. And we all know what happened when Katt Williams returned to his hometown.

“When you finally escape this social prison [that is the Hood], your childhood friends are bound to feel resentment,” Almonte saysBut in his skit, the character has a bittersweet love for his friends, side eyeing them and knowing they’re probably speaking ill of him out of fear of abandonment… so he reassures them of his friendship how? Returning to buy them chopped cheeses. Not gold chains, not taking them out to the club… but buying them a token of what they all shared culturally that you can only find done right in their hood. Deebo Dioso’s “Trust” embodies how this character feels on the inside, juxtaposing his outward actions to retain his acceptance in the hood. “What the f*ck wrong wit a n*gga, actin like they never get along with a n*gga.”  The combination of Deebo Dioso and Almonte’s theme create a duality to show the Hood far from the monolithic, one-dimensional portrayal we are so used to seeing. The relationships between these people are multilayered and their emotions are complex. They say one thing and feel another. They feel more than one emotion at the same time. They aren’t just rage-filled, hypermasculine caricatures looking for a come up.

Lyrics: 

Only a few n*ggas i’d die for//
Brothers knocking on god door//
F*ck we calling these cops for//
N*gga they the reason we here//
My right hand on this Glock 4
N*gga they the reason we here//
We on em n*ggas like lock jaw, CHECK
On my deebo sh*t//
A n*gga tired of hearing that amigo sh*t//
Repping 3A on my trio sh*t//
And cutting n*ggas short on some chino sh*t// And the G’s know

All i hear is onomatopoeia// Show a little sign of gonorrhea// Sicker than the b*tches really thinking that they fly but not Aaliyah// N*ggas being b*tches like the n*gga Tyler got Madea// Owwww

I ain’t tryna shake yo hand// Hating n*ggas ain’t yo mans// I do what i do what i does and it ain’t no scam// Now they telling n*ggas they yo fam// Oh man
These n*ggas up to no good// You be a young n*gga making sure the bros good// Next thing you know Chinx shot in his own hood// And im another n*gga writing in a notebook// So i dont look//
Dolo (sh*t)// Its bloodsport on some bolo (sh*t)// This for them n*ggas on the low low// And dont know im jumpin n*ggas on some pogo (sh*t)//
A n*gga can’t keep holdin what i can’t maintain// Its when you getting paper n*gga everything change// So every motherf*cker that been hating on a n*gga when i see em imma hit em with the bang bang bang

Hook

It hurts the more i think about it// You p*ssy n*ggas don’t speak about it//
NO NO NO time to make peace about it// Cuz you p*ssy boy! and we be about it we on
Im on one i don’t trust these n*ggas x4

Verse 2

What the f*ck wrong with a n*gga// Acting like they never get along with a n*gga// Sh*tted on my mixtape now they wanna do a song with a n*gga// my n*gga my n*gga // Feelin like denzel in this b*tch yo// They tryna get to yo bread through a window// They treat me like bruh man from the 5th floor//
Coming in like homie// I really like the way you flowing// Ever since high school u been growing// I mean look at all the places u going// But one thing the whole team know is//
I be only riding for my n*ggas// Tryna be surrounded by the realest// Ya be thinkin ’bout the money feeding off the thousand dollar dealers// Till our people dying and we been surrounded by the killers// GOT DAMN
Shouts to my latinum n*ggas// All my latin n*ggas going platinum n*ggas// Love to the black real n*ggas// They say we monkeys with banana clips that’ll peel n*ggas//
God’ll never judge but he finna deal wit us// Represent the warriors and they reveal n*ggas// Rest in peace to tio but a n*gga still wit us// If it wasn’t for the spirit woulda tried to kill n*ggas//
What… yall n*ggas trippin like a westbrook interview// I mean where was the love when i hit rock bottom but i blow and im ‘pose to remember you//
Ya make a n*gga lose hope// Where the f*ck is yall when a n*gga too broke// Where the f*ck is yall when a n*gga lose folks// But wanna hit me up asap ‘cuz a n*gga too dope//
You MotherF*ckers is getting too close dont cross that line// Picture everything i saw at 9// Can’t deny the foreplay// Was 9 in 4th grade// A 9 and 4 gauge //Across that spine//
B*tch yup// If u wearin a vest// Then yo head and yo neck is finna be D.O.A// I told u n*ggas we dont play// Swore to my mother imma be ok//
She said “boy i don’t give a f*ck about these n*ggas// I wanna see you clown these n*ggas// They really thinking they it, I be ready to pound these n*ggas// Swam with the sharks so you finna drown these n*ggas//
‘Cuz u can’t keep holdin what you can’t maintain// Its wen you gettin paper n*gga everything change// So every motherf*cker that been hating on a n*gga when you see em better hit em with the bang bang bang// MY N*GGA

 

 

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