Almonte Re-Auditions for Old Spice with a NEW Product Pitch

What ever happened to the Old Spice Parody kid from 5 years ago?

He’s back.

(And also not a kid)

Legal AF. Thicc AF. #BlackBoyJoy

Maybe this re-audition will get him in this time.

Jeffrey Almonte’s Old Spice Parody was the first time he went viral. At just 16, he ruffled quite a few feathers on Worldstar’s comment section. Could you imagine grown ass men hating on a 16-year-old’s body in a comedic video?

Watch it here:

Fan favorite moments were “Now back to me motherfucker” and “Caught Em.. I’m not giving you sh*t.”

Public response was what inspired an entire series called “Caught Em” shortly after.

Which you can also watch here:

Old Spice Parody 2.0

Almonte’s half-decade evolution from raunchy sophomore to deadpan satirist is blatant in his comedic style. His political rants now bleed into his comedy, toying with social issues. The “Fellas, is it gay…” line is an obvious head nod at the recent memes that satirize toxic masculinity.

We hoped you’re just as pumped as we are. Because it’s not just an Old Spice parody. It’s never “just a joke.” It’s a product pitch. And when Old Spice Extra Smegma hits the shelves, you better support Black business the way you support SUPREME when they released a $100 brick.

Woke women want men that are all natural. Men that wear products that aren’t tested on animals. And with this whole vegan trend going on in WokevilleTM, Old Spice would be silly not to pick this up.

 

How We Made a Film in 7 Days

Watch how we made a “The Initiate” in 7 days.

Join Almonte, Tim Hann, Jinzo & Blaze in a discussion on making a film with an extremely short deadline.

This was mostly for the sake of an experimental challenge to test our passion for the arts. You should definitely spend more than 7 days on any piece. As with any painting, some films will take years to just write. Some written in 10 minutes. Time spent doesn’t equate to the quality of the work. The passion and how connected you feel to the piece is what determines the impact of the film. Think of this like a speed painting you see a starving artist performing in the streets. That’s right. Performing. There’s two stories happening.

  • The fabricated one that is being shot from a script.
  • The struggle of the creators on the journey to create a film.

The Beginning

I was conflicted on whether I should make a CreepyPasta about how I got robbed in East Harlem or making a hood, gang initiation film. But a third idea emerged in my mind spontaneously on the 24th of October.

What the hell is a Creepypasta?

‘CreepyPasta’ is a style of horror storytelling that usually revolves around urban legends you can find online that people narrate in Youtube mini audio-books. It derives from “Copypasta” which are viral text walls people copy-and-paste everywhere to avoid misfortune. The earliest form of this was chain letters–which precedes the internet. People would get anonymous letters in the mail saying, “Send this to 5 addresses or [insert bad thing] will happen to you.” Here’s an example of an online version:

What if these actually came true for people that did harm to others? Oftentimes we see horror films placed in suburban or rural countrysides. So I stuck to what I know best: the hood. A horror story revolving around inner city kids where the stalking robber– the one who was the initial source of the horror in ACT I and ACT II– was now victimized by a personification of his own guilt.

Jaquan the Hood Lantern.

Spoiler Alert: Jaquan turns Jojo the slasher’s brains into a chopped cheese in the end credits. And the film is punctuated by a voice-over of a Valley-Girl accented Becky saying “Wow only 4 dollars? That’s a steal.” Followed by Chad’s “I know right; I love this neighborhood.” A cute nod to the open-endedness that the horror of gentrification that Almonte has spoken about in his viral chopped cheese video.


Shooting a Film in 7 Days is nerve wrecking.

In fact I wouldn’t recommend anyone do this to their mental health.

I finally wrote an idea that I connected with on a very personal level. But Halloween was in 7 days. Day of the Dead was in 8 days. How the hell was I going to get the cast and crew to pull this off? The same way I pulled off my guerrilla style of shooting My Way. My first attempt at filmmaking with no experience in fight choreography or serious camera work. Except now I’m exponentially more skilled than I was when I was 16. There was no way I was going to let this idea taunt me for another year while I waited for Halloween of 2018 to come back around. By then I would have built even more film ideas and just abandoned the Initiate. I was tired of waiting and planning and not executing all these ideas that kept coming to mind.

There’s only one way to shoot a film in 7 days: Just do it.

Call your folks. Even if they’re not “real” actors. A great director and editor can make anyone look good. I wrote, directed/shot, & edited this. And for the first time, I produced video content that didn’t involve the marketing of my face.

Though I did play the Jaquan the Lantern. Shhh.

I was essentially a one-man crew. The support and patience I got from my cast was imperative. Including emotional support when I wanted to give up on this and try next year.  You are your own worst critic. Finding countless mistakes in audio, continuity errors, and etc. can be disheartening if you don’t have anyone to get you out of your artistic anxiety. Being a perfectionist doesn’t get anything finished.

 

How to Make Vegan Waffles

It’s super quick & CHEAP to make Hype Vegan Waffles.

Cashmere provides a recipe for the perfect Hype Vegan Waffles, beautifully decorated with strawberries. Sure, it may be even faster to throw a pre-made, boxed frozen waffle into a toaster. But where’s the fun in that? You get more waffles for less money when you make it from scratch. Plus, you see exactly what’s going in your body. Vegans. Vegetarians. Pescatarians. Meat Eaters. Whatever. Saving money and knowing what’s going in our bodies is something we all want.

Hype Vegan Waffles uses everyday household items you probably already have.

Don’t have a waffle maker? Throw it on the stove for some pancakes. Certainly beats paying $7 for a few pancakes at IHOP.

Milk & Eggs can get pretty pricey. This recipe is a blessing for our pockets.

Flour. Salt. Sugar. Lemon Juice. Baking Powder. Vanilla Extract. Canola Oil. Water. All items you probably already have in your cabinet.

Veganism is always made to be this complicated, curated diet of moral grandeur.

Cashmere’s simple Hype Vegan Waffles recipe is a breath of fresh air for those that might find veganism overwhelming to start.

If I get to keep waffles, maybe giving up eggs in the morning isn’t such a dreadful thought after all.

Christmas Prank on New Yorker Gone Wrong

Watch this prank video where a New Yorker gets Timbs for Christmas.

But it goes terribly wrong.

He even mentions how he should have spent Christmas with his main chick. Clearly he hasn’t read the Fuckboy Handbook(TM)L


  • Wifey knowest the desires of thee wellest. Thou shall not spendeth any Holiday — including birthdays — with any mistress, no matter how good the thrussy may beeth.


What New Yorker gets Timbs as a gift and is happy about it? If you’re dating a New Yorker, they probably already own a pair.

Or five.

Jinzo Hits Every Beat

Watch how Jinzo kills this remix to this famous Hip Hop Tutorial Video that became a meme.

Jinzo kills it–per usual. But he makes sure to take it back to his popping roots to show you he never misses a beat.

5 Signs You’re Dealing With A Fuckboy

Watch Out For These Fuckboy Red Flags

1. Fear of communication

Why are you asking me that? Why are you interrogating me? Do we have to keep talking about this? 

Fuckboys cannot deal with emotional labor. They want you to take care of all that. They fear the vulnerability that comes with honesty. So god forbid you ever ask them a question about anything, anyone, or any woman. They are just here for the fun parts of a relationship. Not communicating emotional needs nor concerns.

2. I Didn’t Mean It.

There’s a difference between mistakes and bad decisions. We all make both. Sure we don’t mean harm. Most humans don’t go around thinking, “how can I hurt someone that cares about me today.”

Fuckboys will go on and on about how hurting you wasn’t their intention. But intention doesn’t alleviate result. If there’s a fly on your face and I smack dogshit out of you, my intention was to kill the fly. That doesn’t stop your face from hurting after you just got slapped to kingdom come.

Doing the right thing means he will instinctively take accountability for what he’s done. And try to fix it. Not deflect blame off of himself by immediately cowering behind his original intentions. People have good intentions. Anyone that needs to reassure themselves that they aren’t bad people by constantly talking about what they meant to do rather than what they actually did is insecure in themselves and the value people place on them.

Whether it’s something as deal-breaking as cheating on you or as small as ruining your wash & set with his oily fingers, pay attention to his first steps to problem solving.

3. Flipping the Tables

But I didn’t say anything when you…

But I also went through…

Ever confront someone for hurting you? Your feelings? Only to notice 3 sentences into the conversation that you’re now talking about their feelings. Their turbulent past? Now they’re bringing up a bunch of shit you did that bothered them that they never mentioned before?

Your plane just got hijacked.

To a Fuckboy, everything is everyone’s fault by default. They don’t feel like their actions really cause any harm. Because they don’t feel alive. If something goes wrong, there’s no way possible that they–alone–could have had any power to influence that catastrophe whatsoever.

And if they ever did anything wrong, it’s because you did something first. You somehow made them do it. They will go through all the gymnastics to make some cause-and-effect timeline of how all their actions were a mere reaction — void of their own autonomy — to someone else.

4. There is always an excuse for his fuckery.

But I didn’t know we were serious. But I didn’t know you even liked me like that. But I didn’t know that would hurt you. But we not even together. But I was in a bad place. But she started. But. But.

But.

Fuckboys never know when something is serious. Because they have a lack of self worth. They cannot register the impact they have on people’s lives. All they see is their own impulsive, temporary motives that have no real depth besides pussy and a good time. Fuckboys just go with the flow. They exist for the mere moment. Fuckboys don’t think of consequences for their actions. They think of excuses.

5. He expects you to stick around, despite it all.

Wowwwwww. You really leaving me? I thought you was a ride or die. I need someone that can handle me. You’re making this a big deal.

Shrug off that gaslighting real quick. You don’t have to handle someone’s personal issues. You aren’t a bad person for leaving someone that continuously adds negativity to your life.

He knows he’s not ready for a relationship. He doesn’t want to be. A Fuckboy knows they aint shit. Most of us aint. The difference is, most people want to work on their flaws. Fuckboys want company in their toxic, self-loathing misery. As long as you’re willing to stay. As long as you have hope that he will one day change, he will feel comfortable enough to never change at all.

A Fuckboy isn’t a school project. A man will change when he wants to. Sure, a woman may be the catalyst– not the reason–for a man  to turn his life around. But. You might just mold him into the perfect man–for someone else. Don’t waste your time on the potentiality for being an obstacle. Invest your emotions into someone who is ready to love you the way you need to be loved.

The Truth

All men are guilty of one of these things. We all have our percentage of fuckery going on. Blaming others. Lack of empathizing with feeling’s outside of our own. Projecting our self-loathing. Wanting company in our toxicity.

Awareness is the first step to change. Second is Honesty– analyzing how willing we are to change and what are the best solutions. Even if that solution means letting go of someone you know you’re hurting.  And the last step is to ADAPT. Execution. This piece can only guide you through the first two phases. The rest is all you. You said you would change? Distance yourself. Do what you said you would. Don’t drag the people that love you through your tumultuous transitions.

If you are dealing with a Fuckboy, you are enabling them. Give them space to grow on their own. Even if that means cutting them off entirely.

A Real Life Water Bender (Blaze Yentruoc – Told You Dance Video)

Watch the Blaze Yentruoc Dance Video from Jojo– the star of Almonte’s “The Initiate.”

Almonte recently teamed up with the multi-faceted star of his short film, The Initiate to shoot a freestyle dance video to MELLDU’s “Told You.” The song paints a picture of a modern cowboy walking in a cold food-desert of Harlem to confront all that ever doubted him. The climactic face-off is with his biggest competitor. Himself.

The nature of how this video was shot embodies the vibe of this song. In every take of the Blaze Yentruoc Dance Video, he attempted to best himself after watching the footage over and over. And Over. In the freezing cold. His movements more dynamic with every fleeting minute. Physically fighting to abstain the heat from leaving his body. Blaze’s freeform movements are like something out of a Mortal Kombat Kata sequence. Even finger tuts that looked like waterbending.

Blaze takes the song where his heart wants to take it. The raw passion accentuates every beat of the song’s pulse. As if the beat was dancing to Blaze’s body, as opposed to the converse.

Follow him at @sain0ne

 

 

Why I Quit Youtube

To quit Youtube isn’t an easy transition. But it’s a necessary one.

I quit Youtube as a primary video platform after ten dedicated years of grinding. Since before getting paid for vlogs in your room was a thing. My following watched the 11-year-old that made paper guns. The 15-year old-ranting about pet peeves. The 17 year old making amateur webisodes action-packed with martial arts in the hood. The 18 year old satirist comedy sketch director. The 20 year old political ranter. All life transitions loosely documented through videos on my channel.

However, it never really sat right with me whenever I was recognized on the street as “That Youtube guy.” Especially after the Youtube Ad-pocalypse, I thought to myself…

Here I am– basically an ambassador through my content, pushing all this traffic to YouTube for them to reap all the financial gain. I’ve gone viral quite a few times. I’ve even been on Pix11 News for my viral chopped cheese video. All of this monetized traffic was going to Youtube. While I struggle to pay my section 8 rent in the hood. And although Youtube pays a percentage to creators for their content, being branded as “that famous Youtuber” isn’t very empowering when you look at Vine’s demise. A mere reflection of Youtube’s inevitable doom. When Vine died, most Viners died. When Youtube dies, the Youtuber dies. Unless you…

Quit Youtube and seize the means of your own production.

There’s a lot for content creators on Youtube to complain about. False Content ID. Soft censorship. Demonetization. Views magically disappearing because of years of an unfixed bug. But at the end of the day, Youtube is a private company and they can do with their money as they please. It’s their platform. The only thing you can do is threaten to quit Youtube. And unless you’re someone as big as Pewdiepie, that’s not a big enough threat to make Youtube change their ways. There is always the next big star. But there is always the next big platform. Facebook freebooting has had content creators scrambling for solutions after they released their native video player. And the amount of traffic and shares Facebook video gets is ADDICTING. Naturally people started to just freeboot their own videos and post to Facebook. It feels better to see your video get 10,000 shares in a week on Facebook than to slowly watch Youtube’s shitty algorithm forward your video to a mere 5,000 out of 100,000 subscribers(and make $0 because you’re not ‘family friendly’). Wanna know what feels even better?

Having your own website.

It can get pretty expensive having a native video player when you’re an independent video maker like me. Youtube is a free platform that doesn’t charge you for any video space. They just make the money back easily with ads. If they wanted to, they could just pay you jack shit. Facebook does it. It doesn’t halt creators from constantly uploading content on Facebook. There’s an entire culture of Instagram comedians & models that rely on external sponsorships from apps like Brandbassador and hired commission work. The truth is, Youtube’s terms of service is subject to change without notice. It’s their site. We can complain about how they treat the creators that fuel their money all we want. They’re not obligated to make us comfortable on their site. So investing in your own brand and keeping all the glory to yourself is one of the most empowering things you can do. Not easy. But necessary.

And simply more professional. As opposed to sending someone a Youtube link to your director/actor reel, you can send clients to YOUR website. It adds value to your name to have your own platform. “Youtuber” doesn’t have to prefix your name any time someone talks about you. And you won’t be scrambling to find the next best thing when Youtube dies out.

Having your own platform is hard work. But it is at least more rewarding than working for days on a piece of content only for Youtube to block your video in some countries just because you said a dirty word. 

 

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